Notes From The Train

The Creation of Dreams : 2011

An open book with words on a line

once closed holds a secret in the spine

the words separate and reconnect 

with the ones they most care for and respect

Love mingles with Hate

they eat from the same plate

it’s like they don’t even know the chaos they create

War and Peace have mastered the waltz

they share the floor with True and False

they dance through the night

alongside Wrong and Right

and not once has there been a single fight

Smile and Frown

play with Up and Down

as Black and White 

speak to Yellow and Brown

Life resuscitates Death

as Death suffocates Life

and so is their existence 

as Husband and Wife

the Question words

all come together

for they are birds

of the same inked feather

Who and Where and How and Why 

all look for What up in the sky

this goes on 

until you fall asleep

then into your mind

they softly creep

they get themselves into great big teams

and become what we humans all call Dreams

if you do not Dream 

it’s because you do not Write

so I suggest you start tonight

© 2011 Megan Lucas

Drawing Words : 2011

I wish I could put into words

what it is you do

to my heart

to my spirit

to my face

you make my mind race 

through random adjectives 

desperately trying to find

reasons I am so taken

by the music you own 

or the books you haven’t read

or the way those leather straps fit so snug around your wrist

I wish I could draw out of a hat

the words that would describe this

but I can’t

so I’ll just take a picture of my bliss

and shove it into a bottle

with a note saying 

I’ll come for you

if you’ll still be waiting

© 2011 Megan Lucas

Don’t Hear, Listen : 2011

The beat flows through me

like purple honey

every single time it drops

an explosion

puts my soul in motion

I play it

pray 

it never stops

I hold it close to me

feel reverberations

of magic-made creations

how they’re supposed to be

deep down in the bottom of my shoe

where my sole is

tap tap tap

the rhythm right through me

my mark is right there where that hole is

I danced into the earth 

and found myself rebirthed

Your ears heard

while mine listened

and my soul glistened 

hummed like twilight before night time

moonlight before sunshine

listen

it’s a whisper

crisper than the crack of dawn

louder than a mid-cut lawn

more beautiful than black and white

more powerful than kryptonite

but don’t worry

it’s nothing if your hear it

but if you listen…

© 2011 Megan Lucas

Unnamed : 2011

The sky cried tonight and I felt the pain of a thousand souls lost. a thousand souls found. a thousand souls scattered like confetti on the ground

The sky cried

and a child cried

and the world held her hand

© 2011 Megan Lucas

THE LETTER : 2010

My Dearest Sir,

It has been what feels like eternity since we, like fools, did say goodbye to something that so clearly has shown it will not leave. It feels like I have died a death of the soul and there is nothing that exists that could bring me back to life like you. Never in my entire existence have I been so taken by emotion. I have been drunk and sober and hungover all in one moment. All in a moment of you. What reason have you, my love, what reason good enough to justify this brutal attack you have ordered upon my heart?

It has been but mere weeks yet I have suffered without you the magnitude of two lifetimes. My heart aches and my body weakens at the thought of you. The thought that my thoughts of yesterday shall not manifest themselves into actions of tomorrow. Still, I think of you in that very light in which I first met you. That light that, at the time, was sufficiently bright to temporarily blind me to the future pain you inevitably would afflict upon my very being. I saw no such pain and if I did, which I might have, I pushed it aside. I soaked myself in your beauty. I paid no mind to the consequence and what a great consequence it turned out to be. There would be no difference, though, had I paid any mind, for my heart is the master and my mind merely a pawn waiting to be moved.

My deepest apologies I send to you for I did not know it would turn out so. I did not know I was capable of expressing a love as strong as this. I did not know I was capable of feeing it. It amazes me still how one can feel this strongly about another and not have them express that they, too, possess a feeling equally strong. Is it not the strength of the magnet that pulls the metal towards it? Am I mistaken? Is the magnet merely pulling itself towards an unwanting metal? My heart has reason to believe you have found another. It suffocates me to write this yet I write still, with the hope that if I hold my breath for long enough, it would ultimately lead to my death and end of this painful misery. Have you found another? I sincerely hope she will treat you half as well as I intended. As it is true, we do not deserve a love as pure as did exist between the gods but you deserve to be loved enough. Enough to show you that love is enough. Enough to withstand the greatest of tribulation. My fear exists in eight legged creatures and loneliness and darkness but never have I feared a thing so weak as distance. I forget, though, that not all are like me and that maybe, just maybe, there are people to whom distance is a powerful thing. A thing so magnificent that it would be reason enough to discard the truest and most beautiful of all feelings. That which is love.

Still, I do not know what love is. Every time I find myself to be close to it, I find it to be a mirage. A dream. What if you were just a dream? I should have you know, that for a while, a dream is what you felt like for each time I connected with you I would fly as if flying were possible. I would soar above reality. I would gaze down on humanity. and laugh at their attempts for I would see myself in them. Only now it feels as if I have failed just like them.

I have nothing more to say to you, only that I miss you. I miss you so much. I am still unsure as to whether it is you I miss or the idea of you in my writing. I still write about you. My listeners have grown sick of you for you are all I write. You are all I breath. I am still waiting for life to show me another path. They say it takes time. Hopefully I can breath again. Somewhere in the future. Hopefully you can too.

Yours Always

© 2010 Megan Lucas

Have You Ever?

Have you ever met an amazing person? An amazing group of people? From an amazing place in the world you never thought you’d live in? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you had just met and then over several days you got to know them and you just liked them more and you wished they were your best friend or your lover or your mother or your father? Have you ever had to say goodbye to them abruptly? Have you ever had to leave them in the middle of something? Have they ever been torn away from you? Snatched just like that? Forever? Have you ever cried because you knew that it was the end and that the way they were at that point in time was the way they’d be forever?

This is how I feel every time I get to the last page of a book. It’s heartbreaking.

© 2011 Megan Lucas

The Passing Train : 2011

Every day I drive out to the train tracks to write. It’s quiet and I can think. There’s something about a train that calms my soul. I’ve been doing it now for the past fifteen months or so and I’ve never seen the train. Part of me believed there was no train and the other part of me knew that the train passes there very early in the morning. So early that the sun doesn’t even get to see it. Yesterday I was sitting and watching the trees and the stagnant water from the downpour that morning and I saw lights up ahead. Excitement jolted through my body. There was a train passing through. After more than a year of no trains, I finally saw it. I cannot write there anymore because the noise hovers in the air. A train noise that reminds me of him and that first poem and that whirlwind affair. I do not wish to be with him, I just wish I could have that train track quiet again instead of that passing train noise.

© 2011 Megan Lucas

My Journal Bleeds : 2010

My journal bleeds from wounds inflicted by my hand that was trying to free emotions inflicted upon my heart by your soul. Scars from pages written on and torn out and squashed and thrown against the wall. I went through it all. With you. I heard the way ‘I love you’ sounds when harmonized with lies. It drowns emotion and cuts off feeling and prolongs the healing when eventually your lies become something more evident than drinking and getting drunk on wine from three nights ago. I waited up. You took your time. I know what waiting feels like. It feels like living and knowing you’ll die but not knowing when. It feels like life. I didn’t need more life than I already had. Leave now. Or maybe I will. Maybe I’ll just leave us both. And maybe you wont have to wait. 

The pages from my journal bleed still

I took a match and put them out of their misery

I threw this page out of a burning building

I hope it never reaches you

I hope it does

I hope it burns your soul

The one that hurt my heart

The heart that made my journal bleed.

© 2011 Megan Lucas

Mind Slaughter : 2010

Thoughts of wanting to hold your hand
would gnaw their way into this land
I house inside my head
ridden to my bed
by recent thoughts of what went wrong
and why it took so long
I’ve got that song
on repeat
and the cursor on delete,
yet I would still very much like to meet
that stranger you were
the night you became familiar
That night I went from ‘her’
to ‘his’ 
to ‘yours’
Show’s over, please hold your applause
I’m counting up scores
and opening sores
It’s painful
I’m happy but I pain still
I’m weak-willed
Been popping pills
just to get that momentary thrill
to get my mind off you
To get my body through
this man-made disaster called goodbye
And though you say it’s not goodbye,
the reality is,
it really is
I would rather reminisce
on what we had
than hope for something we never will
and feel bad
for saying it
then feel sad
replaying it
in my mind
The mind that forever will
house thoughts of holding hands with you

© 2010 Megan Lucas

What I Need Most

My        heart         beats         at           a        variable amount per second

It depends on a sight or a sound or a mention

Of your name or a memory of your face

It’s all the same

It just brings me pain

And              every                 time                  it          beats

My love for you depletes

Not because I don’t

But because you won’t

Return to me

That which is mine

What I Need Most

And that space between               us                        I thought we’d defy

It just keeps growing

Unknowing

We placed both our___ souls_____ on the line

| Right next to the margin            So BIG a love                                 We ran right off the page

No need to cry over yesterday

For I have, but I’m still not okay

So it’s pointless, I’ll never have my way

I’m just writing this to say

Screw you

And your inability to find a way

To communicate

Your complete and utter disgust

In us

An ‘us’ I thought

Could not be bought or sold or stolen

But here we are both victims of a similar crime

SHE broke your heart

And you stole mine

And where it used to be

Left a note saying

Wait for me

And I did

In no time

I made my mind

Believe that I was too ‘nice’ to be deceived

And that nobody on this earth who knew me

As well as you did

Would ever do what you did

Or even think that I was THAT stupid

But I was

What fools wait for a nothing

That says it is only something

When it is united with that one thing that waits for it

Pines and stays up late for it

Wondering

Is he dreaming about me?

All the while that nothing-something sleeps so peacefully

Not even moving its eyeballs rapidly enough

To conjure up a vivid enough

Image of my face

When I had already traced the lines of your smile

And engraved them right next to mine

And at this stage of the lies

All I ended up with was aged eyes

And a crooked smile

That I had to show

To hide the frown

To avoid the questions

To keep from having to reveal

How you let me down

And you didn’t even do it gently

You knew my heart was heavy

So if you just snapped the string

Between you and me

I’d fall and crash into the ground

Every now and again

You pop your head in

To my busy little life

I don’t need you here

Anymore

I do

But I want to not need you

Because needing you

Will lead to forgiving you

Which I have

But not enough to be

In need of your sympathy

So this is my plea

I love you

But the thing I need most

Is me

© 2011 Megan Lucas